I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
