Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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