there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
