i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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