I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
