what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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