I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My vagina just recognized that song.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
