ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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