What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
