Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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