Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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