Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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