I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
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i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
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why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.