I met the friendliest cop last night
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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