Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
