dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
