I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
