I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
