I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I am one with the molecules
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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