So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
A+ Viking dick
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