you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
