Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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