Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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