Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
