a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It's rum buckets o'clock
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
