she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
