You made me cry and you don't even care
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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