apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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