He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
