Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So much rum. So many feels.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
