She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize