OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
