Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
