really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
