it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
