um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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