I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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