Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
