Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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