Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
