There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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