best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
