If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
