You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
