I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
is it fun? or sober?
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