My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
