If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
