U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
