Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
