I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
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Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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