She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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