I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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