I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
