Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
