I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
