So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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