I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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