remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
